Humour Page 1


Music Jokes

A man is being led thru the jungle on a safari. He begins to hear some really furious, pounding drums, rolling along without end. After 15 minutes of this, he asks the guide "When do the drums stop?" The guide answers "Oh, the drums NEVER stop. Bad things happen then." The man ponders this for about two hours more of furious pounding, and says, irritated, "When do the drums stop?!?" "The drums never stop. Bad things happen when the drums stop." Finally, after 5 hours, the man asks "What bad thing happens when the drums stop?" "BASS SOLO."


Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at this point, you must understand two things:
1. There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!" The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House. While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth,
The basses were loaded,
The score was tied,
There were two men out,
And the Count was full.


The following program notes are from an unidentified piano recital.
Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here and abroad for many years for some of the world's leading pianists. In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which sent her to Israel to study page turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 Rimsky Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal, having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in "grace, swiftness, and especially poise." For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring the pianist's view of the music. She is page turner in residence in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute. Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice house on a lake.


Orchestra Personnel Standards:

Conductor
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
Concertmaster
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Oboist
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
Trumpet Player
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Bassoonist
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
Second Violinist
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
Manager Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
Horn Player
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.


A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor. "Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!" The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him. "Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London. Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.


A newly graduated doctor gets a job at the morge. When he is going through the bodies he discovers a body with a cork in the crack of it's butt. After much debate, he decides to take out the cork. When he pulls it out suddenly he hears country music. When he puts it back in, it stops. Puzzled, he goes to his advisor and tells him what happened. The advisor says, "You think that's strange??" "Yes! Don't you?!" replies the young doctor. "Well," said the advisor," any asshole can play country music."


A musician dies and goes to Heaven. The admitting angel tells him he's really going to enjoy the afterlife, and he has some great news for him, but there's also a downside. He asks to hear the good news first. Well, says the angel, you get to play in the nicest clubs, they give you free food and drinks, you get to take long breaks whenever you like, everybody applauds and appreciates your music, you get paid real well, you have the best sidemen in the history of music, and you get your pick of recording contracts. OK, says the musician, that sounds great, how can there be any bad news? Says the angel, "Well, you see, GOD has this GIRLFRIEND, and she thinks she can SING!".


At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to drummers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" Well, for three reasons. First, we found that drummers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. There is one drawback, however". "What's that?" "Sometimes it's hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."


For three years, the young accordion player had been taking his brief vacations at the same country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, the stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Darling, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well", she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a accordion player


Q. What is the difference between Kenny G and a Gatling Gun? A. A Gatling Gun stops repeating itself after 1,000 rounds.


Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet,   Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles


Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician. Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.


A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."


Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!" The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?" The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"
St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."


Musical Quotes

"Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour."
-- Rossini
"Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
-- Mark Twain
"A critic is like a eunich:
he knows exactly how it ought to be done."
"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two."
-- The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce


Quickies

Q: What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
A: A demented chord.
Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: ...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?
Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.
Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in tune!"
Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?"
When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: "Give us back castrati!"
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."
Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "One, two, three, one, two, three..."
A: "Hey man, I just do sound."
A: One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
Q: How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million.
Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
A: Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.
Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?
A: To keep the music out of their eyes.
Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.
Q - What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A - A pair of Re-Bachs.

Accordion

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a lawn mower?
A: If you put both on Home Shopping Network, you could sell the lawn mower.
Q: Who's the patron saint of accordionists?
A: Our Lady of Spain.
Q: What do you call 100 accordionists at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold maps.
Q: What do you call an accordion player with a beeper?
A: An optimist.
Q: If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
A: Who cares?
Q: What's a bassoon good for?
A: Kindling for an accordion fire.
Q: What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
A: Ladies in Pain

Bumper Stickers:

1. Play an accordian--go to jail!
2. Three rows and you're out!
Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: Tossing an accordian into the toilet without hitting the rim.

Bagpipes


Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: Did you know the Irish invented the bagpipes as a joke?
A: The Scotts haven't got it yet.
Q: What's the difference between a bagpiper and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."
Q. What's the difference between bagpipes and a chainsaw?
A. You can tune up a chainsaw.
Q.What's the difference between bagpipes and a chainsaw?
A.If a neighbour lends you his chainsaw, he'll want it back.
Q.What's the difference between bagpipes and an onion?
A.Nobody cries when you cut up bagpipes.
A man walked into an office building after parking his car. When he gets on the elevator, he says "Oh no! I left my bagpipes in my car! Somebody might have stolen them!" Back to the car he runs, and, sure enough, when he gets there is back window is smashed out. But when he looks in the back seat, he finds four more sets of bagpipes.

Banjo


Q: What's the best way to play a banjo?
A: With a hack saw.
Q: What's the least used sentence in the English language?
A: "Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"
Q: What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has greater dynamic range.
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."
Q:What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?
A:Drool

Bass Guitar


Q: How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.
Q: Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A: Even a virus has some pride.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Never mind. The piano player can do it with his left hand.
Q: What's the first thing a bass player says when he knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1...5...1, 1...4...5...5...1.
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love, Wayne Gretzky and a female bass player?
A: Gretzky showers after three periods.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Bass, Upright


Q: How do you make a double bass sound in-tune?
A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."
Q. How do you get a bass player's eyes to sparkle?
A. Shine a light in his ears.

Bassoon


Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.
Q: How do you put down a saxophone?
A: Call it a bassoon.
Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: The bassoon burns longer.
Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire.

Cello


Q: What's the difference between a viola and a cello?
A: A cello burns longer.
Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Q: Why did the cellist get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a tuning peg, and wouldn't tell which one.
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
A: Write, "pp, espressivo."
Q: How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a violin.
Q: Why are intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

Clarinet


Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zone.
Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose.
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own clarinet.
Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
Q: What do you call a Bass Clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Drums


"I can't read the music and play at the same time!"----Genuine quote from a friend!
Q: What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise."
Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the drums but doesn't.
Q: Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in the parade.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: What does a drummer say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that, sir?
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
A: You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have machines to do that now.
Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
A: He had to break the window to get the drummer out!
Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"
A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So, the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A: The knock always slows down.
Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Q: Why do bands have bass players?
A: To translate for the drummer.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
A: None. They have a machine to do that.
Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
Q. How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummers car?
A. Take the Dominos' Pizza sign off the roof

English Horn


Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.
Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?
A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.

Fiddle


Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A: No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Flute


Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutists playing in unison.

French Horn


Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.
Q: Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
A: Because man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out of it.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
You know you're kissing a French horn player when his lips are in the right place but his hand is up your ass.
Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.
Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I played that last year."
A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

Guitar


Q: What's do an electric guitar and a vaccuum have in common?
A: When you plug them in they both suck.
Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot One.
Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your front door?
A: By the Dominos Pizza hat.
Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
A: Put some music in front of him.
Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
A: The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Q: What do an electric guitar and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
A: Both suck when you plug them in.
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just steal somebody else's light.
Q: What did the guitarist do when he was told to turn on his amp?
A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Q: What's the best thing to play on guitar?
A: Solitaire.
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
Q: In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source?
A: Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Q: What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

Harp


Q: What's the definition of a 1/4 tone?
A: A harpist tuning unison strings.
Harp players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: How long does a harp stay in tune?
A: About 20 minutes...or until someone opens a door.

Horns


Q: What do you call a house occupied by five horn players?
A: A crack house.

Oboe


Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
Q: How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.
Q: What's the definition of a "half step?"
A: Two oboes playing in unison.
Q: What's the definition of a "major second?"
A: Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Piano/Keyboards


Q: Why are a pianist's fingers like lightning?
A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.
Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.
Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.
Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
A: It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.
Q: Why was the piano invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
A: He puts his Leslie on "slow".
The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

Piccolo


Two musicians are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo. That was my fife!"

Sax


You might be a sax redneck if
...you have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard
...you think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck during a gig.
...the gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buesher sopranos
...you think that Boots Randolph is the greatest Jazz musician who ever lived
Q: What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
A: Vibrato.
A: The exhaust.
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune sax player, an out-of-tune sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player. The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.
Q: You are in a room with Sadam Hussein, Adolf Hitler and Kenny G. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot Kenny G twice...just to make sure.
Q: What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune a lawn mower.
A: Your neighbor will get mad if you don't return their lawn mower.
A: Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

Trombone


Q: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?
A: An optimist
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombone player in the road?
A: The snake was going to a gig.
A: There's skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
A: Vibrato, though you can minimize the difference by holding the chain saw very still.
A: It's easier to improvise on a chain saw.
Q: How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
Q: How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
A: The doorbell drags.
Q: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cell phone?
A: An optimist.
Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
A: "Year-At-A-Glance."
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: How can you tell which kid on the playground is the child of the trombonist?
A: He/She can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide.
It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

Trumpet


Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could've done it.
Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.
Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
A: Gorillas are too sensitive.
The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.
Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!
In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

Tuba


Q:There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A:The policeman
Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.
Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
Q: What's a "tuba for"?
A: 1 1/2" by 3 1/2", unless you request a "full cut."
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."
Two tuba players are walking past a bar... (Well, it could happen!)

Viola


Q:What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A: A viola takes longer to burn.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A: A dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?
A: Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
Q: What do violists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A: Nobody knows when to come in.
Q: If you throw a violist and a conductor off a tall building, who'll hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?

Violin


Q: How can one tell a violinist is playing with his head straight up?
A: When the drool is leaking out both corners of his mouth.
Q: How do you know when a violin is out-of-tune?
A: When the bow's moving.
Q: Why is a violin like a scud missle?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: Why are violins smaller than violas?
A: They're actually the same size. Violinists' heads are bigger.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A: A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high.
Q: Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instruments?
A: Violins don't have spit valves.
Q: Why should you never drive a roof nail with a violin?
A: You might bend the nail.
Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can understand them.
Q: How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

Musicians, Singers and Conductors


Q: Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
A: Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
Q: How many Musician jokes are there?
A: Just one -- all the rest are true!!
Q: Why can't many vocalists get through the door?
A: They either can't find the key or don't know when to come in.
Q:What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
A:The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.
Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A: Because most shops close by six thirty.
Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
A: The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
Q: What happened to Bach after he had 20 children?
A: His Organ Baroque!
Q: Why did Bach have so many children?
A: His organ had no stops.
Q: What did Mozart recently say to a noisy visitor?
A: "Shhhh! I'm decomposing!"
Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of shit?
A: The sack.
Q: If Hitler, Stalin and a conductor all walked into the room in which you were standing, and you had a gun but only two bullets, who would you shoot first?
A: The conductor...twice.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.
Q: What does a good conductor weigh?
A: 28 ounces, not counting the urn.
We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.
Q: If you throw a conductor and a violist off a tall building, who'll hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?
Q: What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.
Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards?
A: New age music.
Q: What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?
A: Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.
Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.
Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Definition of a string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, a would-be violinist and someone who hates the violin getting together to complain about composers.
Q: How are musicians like linoleum?
A: Lay them good once and you can walk on them forever.
Q: Generally speaking, how late does a band play?
A: About two beats behind the drummer.
Q: What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
A: "Well...I didn't wake up this mornin'..."
Q: What will it take to reunite The Beatles?
A: Three more bullets.
Q: What would Jerry Garcia be doing, if he were alive today?
A: Clawing at the lid of his coffin.
Q: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind?
A: His teeth.
Q: What were Kurt Cobain's last words?
A: "Hole is really going to be big."
Q: What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
Q: What do you see when you look up an alto's dress?
A: A tenor.
Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get that high!
Q: How does a singer change a light bulb?
A: She/he holds it and the world revolves around her/him.
Q: What's the difference between a singer and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
Q: How do you know if a singer is at the front door?
A: She can't find her key.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
Q: What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.
Q: What's the second thing a soprano does in the morning?
A: Looks for her instrument.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
A: You can negotiate with the PLO.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What's the definition of an alto?
A: A soprano who can sight-read.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an average all-pro offensive lineman?
A: Stage makeup.
Q: How can you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
A: The horses all seem relieved.
Q: Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
A: So tenors can understand them.
Q: If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
A: The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people actually like sewer rats.
Q: What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
A: One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
Q: How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
A: The horses seem very relieved.
Q: What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
A: Looks for her instrument.
Q: What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
A: Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
Q: How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
A: The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
Q: How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: Where is a tenor's resonance?
A: Where his brain should be.
Q: What's the definition of a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.
Q: How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
Q: What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
A: The tennis final has more men.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Q: What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
A: The performance causes more suffering.
Q: Why do high school choruses travel so often?
A: Keeps assassins guessing.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A choral director with a mortgage.
Q: What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
A: It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
Q: What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A: A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
Q: "Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?"
A: "Oh, about half a beat behind..."
Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.
Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
A: "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time. A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time. Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while." After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"
Q: A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
A: The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.
Q: Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
A: The good news: it crashed.
A: The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
A: Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
Q: What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
A: There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
Q: What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A: God knows He's not a conductor.
Q: What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
Q: How do you know when deadheads have been staying with you?
A: They're still there.
Q: What do deadheads say when they run out of pot?
A: What is this awful music?
Q:What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A:The lipstick.
Q: Why did they invent keyboards?
A: So musicians would have someplace to put their beers.


Proposed Country-Western song titles:

"I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win"
"My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart"
"I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well"
"I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better"
"Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure"
"I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town"
"You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out"


You Know You're a Tuba Player if....
All-U-Can eat restaraunts close when you arrive.
Your diet consists of beer, chicken wings, beer, pizza, beer and beer.
Elephants throw YOU peanuts when you go to the zoo.
To haul ass it takes 2 trips.
You go to a restaraunt and look at the menu and say "Okay".
It looks like your smuggling a VW around.
Your shadow weighs 100 lbs.
You use your driveway as an ironing board.



Humour Page 2

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