Band Players as Food Items

Conductor - A lump of cheddar = The big cheese.
Soprano - Jar of coffee = Gets you a bit high.
Principal Cornet - Jam = Everyone has some in their cupboard, it's generally considered as a good thing, but often over-used and too much makes you sick.
Solo Cornets - Seasonings = Makes all the difference between a piece tasting good, bad, or indifferent.
Repiano Cornet - A rabbit = Small and cute, likely to make grown men go "aaahhhh", doesn't make much noise (unless attacked by foxes).
Second & Third Cornets - Various root vegetables = Occasionally having a strong taste at just the wrong time, it is often hard work to pull these out of the ground.
Flugel Horn - A shot of Grouse Whiskey = Nice and mellow, yet useful in medical emergencies (although we accept that not every band has an ambulance-person on Flugel).
Tenor Horns - Chickens = A nice flavour (if a little bland), but likely to make more noise when they're talking than when they are actually playing.
Baritones - Lard = A rather misunderstood and maltreated food, these are actually rather important in any piece that involves frying.
Euphoniums - Beef = The backbone of nearly every meal, they provide a good textured main meat, but very occasionally will be responsible for some unpleasant prion damage. *Euphoniums shortly to be available on-the-bone once again*
Trombones - Curry = At the right strength, or with a good beer, no problem. However, if too strong, it's hard to miss that flavour.
Basses - Goldfish = You don't want to eat them, but that three-second memory-span and the fact that their mouths are always glomping open and shut make you wish someone would.
Kit - Cheap lager = After a few cans of this, you'll notice that everything is "swinging".
Percussion - Rhubarb & Custard = One is plainly better, but you'll always find one following the other.

Q - Why do bass players have pea-sized brains?
A - Because alcohol has swelled them.
Q - How can you tell the trombonist's son in the park?
A - Because he can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide.
Q - Why is playing a Flugel solo like wetting your pants?
A - Both give you a warm feeling, but no-one cares.

Alto's Lament

It's awful being an alto when you're singing in the choir,
Sopranos get the twiddly bits that people all admire,
The basses boom like big trombones, the tenors shout with glee,
The alto part is on two notes, or if you're lucky, three.

And when we sing an anthem and lift our hearts in praises,
The men get all the juicy bits and telling little phrases.
Of course, the trebles sing the tune - they always come off best -
While altos only get three notes and twenty-two bars rest.

It doesn't matter what we sing, from hymnbooks or from psalter,
The choirmaster looks at us - our voices start to falter;
Too high! Too low! Too fast! Too slow! You hold that note too long!
It doesn't matter what we do, it's certain to be wrong.

Oh! shed a tear for altos: they're the Marthas and they know
In ranks of choral singers they're considered very low.
They are so very humble that a lot of folk forget 'em:
They'd love to be sopranos, but their vocal chords won't let 'em.

And when the final trumpet sounds and we are wafted higher,
Sopranos, tenors, basses, all will form the heavenly choir.
When they sing Alleluias to celestial flats and sharps,
We altos in the corner will be polishing our harps.

The Ophicleide   

Written by Prof. Cabbage (of the horn mailing list)

The Ophicleide, like mortal sin
Was fostered by the serpent.
Its pitch was vague, its tone was din;
Its timbre rude and burpant.

Composers, in a secret vote,
Declared its sound non grata;
And that's why Wagner never wrote
An Ophicleide Sonata.

Thus spurned, it soon became defunct,
To gross neglect succumbing;
A few were pawned, but most were junked
Or used for indoor plumbing.

An so this ill wind, badly blown,
Has now completely vanished:
I nominated the saxophone
To be the next one banished.

Farewell, offensive Ophicleide,
Your epitaph is chiseled:
"I died of ophicleidicide:
I tried, alas, but fizzled!"

Instrument Colloquialisms

(provided by various members of the brass band mailing list from their own experiences)

Band Definitions

Courtesy of Dr. Wayne Dyess, Professor Of Trombone, Lamar University

• Band - 1) a group of musicians who get together to upset the orchestra members. 2) slightly organized noise.
• Band director - 1) person who organizes noise.
• Assistant band director - 1) person who organizes less important noise
• Percussion section - area of study designed as an enhancement course for students who never perfected the techniques of rhythm band in kindergarden and the first grade.
• Percussionist - person who could not pass the Selmer test.
• Percussion director - organizer of tribal and primitive cacophonies of sound to help cover up the noise of the band.
• Drum major - student band director who thinks he or she is directing the band but merely moves hands in the same tempo on every song like a robot.
• Band booster club - group of bored mothers who raise money to send the band far away.
• Flautist - person who plays the flute. Orchestras need only three but bands seem to require about four hundred.
• Piccolo - a more annoying flute.
• Clarinetist - person who leaves old and broken reeds on the floor.
• Oboe - woodwind instrument which never works.
• Bassoonist - someone who can't count or play rhythms and is always flat.
• Trumpeter - 1) trumpet player who, no matter how hard he or she tries, can only seem to play fortissimo. 2) someone who is constantly emptying his or her spit valve.
• French hornist - French horn player who has to tear apart their instrument to empty his or her spit valve.
• Tubist - person who mindlessly chose to play the biggest, heaviest and smelliest instrument.
• Saxophonist - 1) retard. 2) big retard. 3) person who is only needed to play in loud bars where people are too drunk to know the difference, but some people feel the need the write parts for them in orchestral scores.
• Baritone horn players - persons for whom music is written in either bass or treble clefs thus explaining the continual outpouring of wrong notes. ie. "This is in bass clef and I read treble".
• Trombone - Musical instrument with extendible slide mechanism designed for the purpose of poking people in the butt and raising majorette's short dresses while standing at parade rest.
• Bell lyre - Musical instrument designed for pretty girls who can't read music or march and play at the same time.

Carmen - a translated synopsis

An "English" synopsis of the opera Carmen, as it appeared in the program for a recent performance in Genoa, Italy.

"Act 1. Carmen is a cigarmakeress from a tobago factory who loves with Don Jose (Duet: "Talk me of my mother"). There is a noise inside the tobago factory and the revolting cigar-makeresses burst into the stage. Carmen is arrested and Don Jose is ordered to mounting guard her but Carmen subduces him and lets her escape.

"Act 2. The Tavern. Carmen, Frasquito, Mercedes, Zuiniga, Morales. Carmen's aria ("The sistrums are tinkling"). Enter Escamillio, a balls-fighter. Enter two smuglers (Duet: "We have in mind a business") but Carmen refuses to penetrate because Don Jose has liberated her from prison. He just now arrives (Aria: "Slop, here who comes") but here are the bugles singing his retreat. Don Jose will leave and draws his sword. Called by Carmen's shrieks the two smuglers interfere with her but Don Jose is bound to dessert, he will follow into them (final chorus: "Opening sky wandering life").

"Act 3. A rocky landscape, the smugler's shelter. Carmen sees her death in cards and Don Jose makes a date with Carmen for the next balls fight.

"Act 4. A place in Seville. Procession of balls-fighters, the roaring of the balls is heared in the arena. Escamillio enters (Aria and chorus: "Toreador, toreador, All hail the balls of a Toreador"). Enter Don Jose (Aria: "I do not threaten, I besooch you") but Carmen repels him wants to join with Escamillio now chaired by the crowd. Don Jose stabbs her (Aria: "Oh rupture, rupture, you may arrest me. I did kill her") he sings "Oh my beautiful Carmen, my subductive Carmen."

A Choral Singer's Guide to Keeping the Conductor in Line

• Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch pipe, insist on your preference for the piano - and vice versa.
• Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, the lack of space, or a draught. It is best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
• Bury your head in the music just before an important cue.
• Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour.
• Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good opportunity for blowing your nose.
• Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your low C was in tune. This is especially effective if didn't have a low C or were not singing at the time.
• Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have any music.
• At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting wildly) be busy marking your music so that the climax will sound empty and disappointing.
• Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
• Whenever possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that he must be hearing the harmonics.
• Tell the conductor, "I'm not sure of the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
• If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit unfamiliar, ask him as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask his preference for pronunciation, making certain to say it exactly the same both times. If he remarks on their similarity, give a look of utter disdain and mutter under your breath about "subtleties of inflection".
• Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece you are rehearsing. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
• If your phrasing differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
• Remember - softer means slower.

by Philip Cave - in "The Singer"

No Laughing Matter: The Viola Joke as Musician's Folklore

Presented by Carl Rahkonen at the National Meeting of the American Folklore Society and the Society for Ethnomusicology, October 21, 1994, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

As with any other group, musicians tell stories and jokes to one another based upon their specialized knowledge and experience. In recent years there has been a joke cycle among musicians pertaining to the viola. For those of you not familiar with the viola, it is slightly larger than the violin, and plays the alto, or middle-range voice in the string section of an orchestra.

Being a violist myself, and also an ethnomusicologist trained folklore, I have paid particular attention to the telling of viola jokes, and over the past three years have personally collected fifty examples. From the number of different musicians who told me these jokes, I can conclude that they were being told in music departments, in major symphony orchestras, regional and community orchestras, and were even being told in orchestras abroad.

As further evidence of the pervasiveness of the viola joke cycle, I have heard several programs on WQED, the Pittsburgh classical music radio station that have featured viola jokes. I have seen viola jokes published in the Pittsburgh Musician, the newsletter of the American Federation of Musicians Local 60-471. The Cleveland Plain Dealer on Sunday March 27th, 1994 featured an article on the viola section of the Cleveland Orchestra, which begins with the line "Hold the viola jokes." Also, cartoonists have featured the viola in some of their recent work. [examples were shown]

Going strictly by the number of jokes I personally heard, the viola joke cycle began in 1992, reached it peak in 1993, and at the present time has greatly diminished.

In order to organize these jokes, I have arranged them into six different categories, which are not necessary mutually exclusive:

1. Jokes disparaging the viola itself.
2. Jokes disparaging viola players.
3. Jokes which offer a general disparagement, which can be easily understood outside musical circles.
4. Jokes which usually can only be understood by among musicians.
5. Reverse jokes which get revenge on musicians telling viola jokes.
   All the viola jokes in these first five categories are in the form of a question and answer, so I have added a sixth category which I call
6. Narrative viola jokes

As you may have guessed by now the viola is considered somewhat a second-class citizen in the orchestra. There are several reasons for this. Orchestral viola parts are easier than violin parts and they tend to be the less important, non-melodic parts. If viola players do get difficult parts, as they do from time to time, they tend to struggle while trying to play them.

As an instrument, the viola does not have the same carrying power as a violin or cello, since it is pitched one-fifth lower than a violin, but is only about 10% larger. Its solo literature is very limited. Only string bassists tend to suffer the same stereotyping as violists, because of a lack of solo literature for the instrument and having mundane orchestral parts.

An additional handicap is the fact that most violists start out as violinists. Even the greatest violist of recent times, William Primrose, in his book Playing the Viola, includes a chapter about coming to viola playing by way of the violin. The Cleveland Plain Dealer article I mentioned earlier revealed that ten out of the eleven violists in Cleveland Orchestra started out on the violin! One of the first assumptions in junior high school orchestras is that the director will switch the poor violinists over to viola, where they will do less harm, and perhaps even contribute. Viola players are frequently considered inferior musicians since they are thought of as the ones who couldn't make it playing the violin.

An additional factor is the extremely hierarchical structure of a symphony orchestra with regards to musical authority. The conductor is the highest authority. The next highest is the concertmaster, who is the first chair, first violin. The brass, wind, and percussion players are typically all soloists playing one person to a part, so the real pecking order can be seen primarily in the string sections. Each of the string sections has a principal player, whose job it is to lead that section, giving specific directions with regards to bowings, fingers and phrasings. The principal players also gets to play the solo parts, if there are any. Each of the string sections are seated in hierarchical order, with the better players near the front. Superimposed of this hierarchy is an overall hierarchy in the strings. The first violins are the most important, almost always playing the chief melodies. The cellos are perhaps the next most important, followed by second violins, violas and string basses. The violas are always at, or near the bottom, of the hierarchy.

There is an historical reason for this. In the beginning of the era when symphonies began, comparatively few pieces had actual viola parts. As a rule the violas doubled the cellos, switching octaves whenever necessary. Early symphonies were published with three string parts, 1st violin, 2nd violin and bass. The poor violas dragged along with the basses, and were frequently played by individuals who couldn't handle the violin.

The attitude and stereotype about the viola and its players can be seen quotations about the viola from a standard reference work, The Dictionary of Musical Quotations (Ian Crofton and Donald Fraser, Schirmer Books, 1985, p.152):

"The viola is commonly (with rare exceptions) played by infirm violinists, or by decrepit players of wind instruments who happen to have been acquainted with a string instrument once upon a time."
Richard Wagner, in 1869, quoted in Gattey Peacocks on the Podium (1982).

"If you'd heard the violas when I was young, you'd take a bismuth tablet."
Sir John Barbirolli, quoted in Kennedy, Barbirolli Conductor Laureate (1971).

So why are viola jokes told? Certainly for fun and humor, but they also serve the functions of reinforcing the hierarchical structure of the orchestra and to voice unspoken but widely understood stereotypes. A joke will be funny only if it is unanticipated and if there is some basis to it in reality.

Irvin Kauffman, the Associate Principal Cellist of the Pittsburgh Symphony, was a significant informant for viola jokes. He assured me that the violists of the Pittsburgh Symphony are just as fine musicians as the rest of the orchestra, and that other musicians tell viola jokes because, "The violas get paid the same money for doing a dumb (i.e., easier) job!"